From Episode 26

If you haven’t already done so please read the Introduction to this book, first.  It will be helpful to better understand these sample episode extracts.

The Thule Girls – Enlightenment

As the base became a tiny back dot on the vast white sheet of ice below, Rhonda Reeves, the girl of Sergeant Jerry Jordan’s dreams sat in a secret meeting – the purpose of which was to educate a virgin in how to deal with men.

“Do we have to do this?”  Lainie asked, twitching in her chair, embarrassed by the fact that her female friends were going to enlighten her in the ways of flirtation and seduction.

“Be quiet and listen,” Lulu commanded.  “It won’t hurt you to learn a few things, even if you never use them.”

“Let’s work our way around the circle” Linda Rose suggested.  “In that way we all can all have our say.  Is that okay?”

Everyone agreed.

“Well,” Linda Rose began, “Ah think eye contact is the first and most important thang.  When ya’ll enter the Colonel’s office, ya’ll must smile, smile, smile.  Say what ya’ll have tah say about security, but be very gentle when ya’ll do so.  Ask the Colonel’s opinion on what he thinks should be done.  Act as helpless as ya’ll possibly can.  Make yo eyes big and innocent and bat yo eyelashes ah lot.  Yo eyes will win him ovah.”

“Say what you have to say,” Lulu recommended, “and then be quiet.  Don’t yap on and on.  Men hate that about women.  We do tend to talk a lot.  Let the Colonel digest your little speech.  It takes men a while to absorb the subject of a conversation and most of them actually have limited ability when it comes to solving problems.  You must be patient with him.”

“Wear something that shows off your body,” Thelma added.  Wear a sweater let him see your figure.  Men love sweaters.  They get to see what your boobs look like without undressing you.  Maybe that’s why it takes them a while to absorb the talk.  Boobs distract men.  In this case you do want to distract the Colonel.  Let him see your gorgeous boobs.”

“Oh, lord,” Lainie groaned, wondering if she should be writing down the advice she was receiving.

“Flatter him,” Kerry’s advised.  “When the conversation about the Security Guards is over, change the subject immediately.  Tell him you’ve been anxious to meet him.  Say you would love it if he would come to see us perform.  Tell him you appreciate the time he has taken to see you.  Tell him he is so much better looking than you imagined he would be.”

“I have to do all that, even if he’s ugly?”  Lainie asked, making a face like she had tasted something sour.

“Yes, you have to do all that, especially if he’s ugly!” Rhonda exclaimed.  “It’s important to flatter and lie to men.  Men love being flattered and lied to.  They eat it up.  Even if the Colonel suspects you’re lying to him, he’ll love it.  Men accept being lied to because they lie all the time themselves.  Women hate being lied to, but men don’t mind it.”

“Now,” Shelly said, grinning wickedly.  “You begin to work on him to get what you want from him.”

“What exactly do I want from him?” the perplexed bassist asked, slouching down in her chair, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.

“You want an invitation from him.  That’s what you want.  You want an invitation to see him again.”

“Oh, no,” Lainie squealed, “Not already.  Does it have to be so soon?  What if he’s ugly or grouchy or smells bad?”

“You don’t know how soon it will be,” Shelly reminded her.  “Work on him.  As you’re leaving, go to him and look into his eyes.  Let him get the scent of your perfume.  Take your time.  Tell him you know he must be terribly busy with all the responsibility he has.  Be sympathetic.  Then smile and ask him if he ever has a moment to relax.  Does he ever take any time off?  Blah… blah… blah….  You’d love to have him show you around the base.  Blah… blah… blah….  Now he has your scent and….”

“My scent,” Lainie exclaimed, sitting straight up in her chair.  He’ll have my scent?  This sounds like a fox hunt and I’m the fox!  Will I get his scent?  Will he have a scent too?  Lord I hope not!”

“Be quiet and listen,” Rhonda ordered.

“And now you touch him,” Maria exclaimed, not being able to wait her turn.

“I touch him?”  Lainie screamed, “Must I touch him?  He’s an officer.  Should I be touching an officer?  I think it’s against the rules to touch him.  Where am I going to touch him?”

“Maybe grab his balls?” Rhonda snickered.

“No! Miss ‘Sex Fiend Bass Player’,” Maria scolded, rolling her eyes, adjusting her glasses, “she does not do that.  You don’t touch him, Lainie.  He touches you.”

“Now he’s going to touch me?  Where is he supposed to touch me?”  Lainie squealed, grabbing her head.

“You extend your hand for him to kiss,” Maria explained.

“My hand,” Lainie asked, leaving her chair, “He’s supposed to touch me by kissing my hand?  This is not Europe in the eighteen century,” she scoffed.  “Nobody kisses a woman’s hand anymore.”

“You’re right,” Maria agreed, “but, when you offer your hand with your palm down, and your wrist slightly bent, he won’t dare shake it.”

“And when he takes your hand,” Rhonda chimed in, “don’t pull back.  If you’re not going to grab his balls, at least let him hold your hand.  Look into his eyes again if you’ve lost eye contact with him.  Let him feel how soft and warm your hand is.”

“That won’t work!” Lainie exclaimed.  “You know how a bass player’s hand feels, Rhonda.  He’ll feel my calluses for sure.”

“He won’t even notice your calluses,” Rhonda assured Lainie, “and your electric bass playing doesn’t give you much of a callus as mine.  He’ll be thinking about how good you smell and how round and firm your boobs look, and how pretty you are.  He’ll be touching the first woman he’s been in the company of for months, maybe years.  He’ll be putty in your warm soft hands.”

“But what if he’s cruel and grumpy?  What if he’s fat and ugly?  What if his scent is awful?  What if….?”

“Lainie, hush yo mouth,” Linda Rose exclaimed.  “He’s not gonna smell bad.  He might be ah little ovahweight and he may not be handsome, but he’ll be ah perfect gentlemen.  He isn’t gonna’ hurt you.  He’s gonna’ act very propah, as a milatery offisar should act.”

“What if he’s crazy?” Lainie asked, hoping to convince the group that it was possible that the Colonel could be mentally unbalanced, which should release her from her reluctant undertaking.  “He could be really weird you know,” she rambled on.

“Now listen, muffin,” Linda Rose continued impatiently, sliding off the dressing table, taking Lainie’s hands, “this is the last and most important part, so pay attention.”

“Oh, dear lord,” Lainie exclaimed, “I have to pee.  Could I go pee and then continue with this?”

“Absolutely not,” Linda Rose assured her bass player who sat squirming, more from apprehension than having to urinate.  “Now, there you ah, standin’ next tah the Commandah of this entire base,” she continued, “he is aftah all ah very important man.  In fact, he’s the most important man in all of Greenland and the Arctic….”

“Never mind all that,” Kerry complained.

“Get on with it,” Rhonda insisted.  “I can’t wait to hear what’s coming.  Can she grab him by his balls while he’s kissing her hand?”

Lainie jumped from her chair and headed for the back door, colliding with the roving washing machine as she fled the building.

Kerry, Shelly, Lulu and Thelma broke into waves of laughter.

“Pleeese, ya’ll,” Linda Rose shouted, pushing the gyrating washing machine against the wall.  “Get yoselves tagethah here.  Ya’ll ah makin’ this very difficult fo me and fo Lainie as well.  Go get her, Thelma.  She’ll freeze out there.  Rhonda, ya’ll sit down and be quiet.”

Thelma led Lainie by the hand back into the humid smoke filled laundry room, where she would be subjected to further instruction on female flirtation and seduction.

Chattering and shivering, finally accepting the fact that she really was expected to climb into the lion’s den, Lainie asked, “Now what is it I’m expected to do as I stand there letting the Colonel ogle and smell me?  He has my hot little hand in his, and what’s next?”

“And,” Linda Rose continued, clearing her throat, glaring at Rhonda for silence, “now you kiss the man on his cheek!”

“Whoa!”

“Fantastic!”

“Whoopee!”

“Ya’ll don’t need tah carry on like ah bunch ah Indians,” Linda Rose scolded, once again losing control of her compatriots attention.

Biting her lip, Lainie tried to envision herself kissing a fat, snaggle-toothed, stinking old man.  She felt sick again.  For the first time the anxiety-ridden bassist entertained the thought of getting out of the music business.  She could see that some of the requirements for staying in it might be more than she could bear.  This sort of situation was not what she had in mind when she became a country music bass player.   All she wanted to do was play music and travel.

“Could ya’ll, please, settle down?”  Linda Rose pleaded.  “We were movin’ right along there, but now ya’ll ah actin’ up again.  What is so damned funny about Lainie kissin’ the Colonel on his cheek?”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Maria exclaimed, forcing the washing machine against the wall from where it wandered again, like a naughty child.

It was agreed that kissing the Colonel on his cheek was an excellent idea.

“Men love being kissed all over their bodies,” Lulu added, puckering her lips blowing kisses.  “Men love being kissed as much as we love being kissed.  They even like being kissed on the cheek, if all else fails.  Anyway, it’s a good place to start.”

“Did Lainie have all of the advice clear in her mind?”

“Did she remember the order in which she should carry out her actions?”

“Would she need a sleeping pill to help her sleep tonight?”

“Did she know what sweater she would wear tomorrow?”  One that would show a little bra or a hint of nipple?

“Did she want to borrow an alarm clock to get up in time for her appointment?”

“What jewelry did she intend to wear in the morning?”

“What perfume would she spray?”

“Would she like to borrow some wonderful shampoo?”

“Did she need to borrow a razor to shave her legs?”

“Would she leave her package of cigarettes in her purse, in case there was no smoking allowed in the Colonel’s office?”

The lengthy meeting finally adjourned.  Lainie walked down the hall trying to muster up the courage she would need for her encounter with the enemy within a few short hours.

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